Tuesday, April 20, 2010


It's getting harder, for everyone -- the Process.

Today I got a massage. I think it must be my third in the past couple of months. Seem extravagant? Maybe, but it's the only think keeping me relatively sane these days, that and the Zoloft. For which I got permission today to double my dosage.

My massage went over by a few minutes today, which was fine with me -- she put extra time into my back and shoulders, really working on it, keeping me talking the whole while, until I finally relaxed. It's a kind of loved feeling that I don't know from anywhere else -- a sense of wellbeing, and almost a kind of peace. Walking back to the office, I feel as though I might be floating down the sidewalk, instead of merely thumping along in whatever poor-choice footgear I'm modeling that day.

I haven't had any serious should problems since I started. Some headaches, which can be blamed on poor behavior. I needed so much to get in today -- started thinking about the appointment this morning, anticipating, happy to escape to the quiet room and the warm bed with the snuggly comforter. Never mind the slightly distracting new-age music. By the time she's finished, I am ready to give again.

I just wish I had someone to give it to, who would understand what it was, who would make the time. But no matter. Sanity is the main thing. Staying calm is the main thing. There's just so much happening right now, and I'm struggling to make sense of it all, to do better then mere blind reactions. The past two weeks have been really difficult, after a six-week stretch of feeling fairly composed and upbeat. So I get a massage, and I call the doctor. Everything's gonna be fine.

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