Wednesday, December 22, 2010

momentary lapse of reason

No wonder it's been such a bad, crazy day. Winter solstice started with a total lunar eclipse, which I missed (cloudy here, though I was probably awake.) Checking the calendar I see that yes indeed, it is a full moon; this morning it passed through deep shadow, and lurked patiently around the edges of the shortest day of the year, twice veiled (again the clouds.) I don't actually set much store on the mood-changing effects of the lunar calendar, but it's a nice illustration for the week I'm having thus far. 

Today depression came back full force, though it too has been lurking around the edges for a little while, waiting for a chance to pounce I suppose. Wonder if I took my pill this morning. And I did the kinds of dumb, crazy things that I do when this mood disorder gets the best of me. As the eclipse was hitting its stride in the wee hours I was writing a whiny, drunken email to my best friend, lamenting the meaninglessness of my existence and my utter worthlessness at this point in my life. After waking up worried and offering an embarrassed apology first thing this morning, I spent the day making bad spur-of-the-moment decisions; indulged in some sexting, didn't get any work done, spent money I don't have on even more Christmas gifts, and hit the bar at 4pm. Got pissed at my bar-mate for something stupid, felt rejected and judged, ashamed and lonely, took the bus home. Texted my best friend for support, almost blew it with a suggestive comment that was poorly timed, and finally admitted to myself that this is DEPRESSION and I should be watching my behavior more closely. I was relieved to arrive home, eat dinner with my family, pull on a bathrobe and curl up with a glass of wine and "The Lord of the Rings." Drinking water and apple juice now, trying to sober up before I go to sleep (for the second night running.) Probably left both computers on in the office. A thermos of coffee half-drunk on my desk. Mail unsorted, calls unreturned. I'm lucky to have put in something close to a 12-hour day at work yesterday; storing up a tiny amount of good workplace karma that I surely squandered this afternoon.

It's all very Koyaanisqatsi of me.  

I get up and go wash my face. Resist the temptation to pour another glass of wine. My son has kicked off his covers and is curled in a fetal position that means he's cold now; I untwist his sheets and blankets and tuck him in again. Listen to my husband snoring. Listen to the ringing in my ears that means I'm still dehydrated. Try to remember what I've eaten today.

Once this depression starts to lift it will be replaced by intense anxiety. This is a cycle I'm familiar with: what have I  forgotten? and am I being a good parent? Am I forgiven? 

You are beautiful, you are valued and loved says my friend. By God, and by mere mortals too. 

This is the thought I must take to sleep with me tonight. 

No comments: