Sunday afternoon, a moderate pause between one week and the next. The house is filling with the scent of roasting chicken and garlic and vegetables. The boys are working with Tinker Toys, making paper boats and watching "Chicken Run" (ironically enough) while my husband waits for football to start. I'm taking a break from the demanding chaos that is Fellowship Time at church, augmented today by a short meeting held to solidify last-minute details of the MLK service tomorrow night. (Held in the back nursery, where someone thought it would be quieter -- which is of course the territory of small children, who see absolutely no reason to stay away on account of a few ridiculous adults.)
I haven't written in a while, and faced with the recent realization that a few people have actually gone to the trouble of following this blog, I can only wonder Why. My thoughts are neither wholly confessional nor reliably insightful. I write because I can, because I want to, and not always because I have something to say. Obviously.
Today's Bible study was on my nerves, for reasons difficult to enunciate and probably even more difficult to justify. I usually know where my pastor is headed with the Gospel of the day, know his thinking well enough that sometimes it seems inevitable that I should promote his direction during the Gospel study. Not his fault. Likewise, we're using a study worksheet that leads us very deliberately into what I feel are rote answers to basic questions. There are only a handful of us in the group on any Sunday, so it's difficult for me to gather my thoughts -- generally, there is either an excess of silence, or else one person's thinking dominates the discussion. I'm not confident, I don't synthesize my opinions quickly enough to step into the discussion in counterpoint with life-long believers. I find myself feeling pretty frustrated.
I mentioned a little of my feeling, talking about the thinness of the narrative in John 1:43-51 and the position we're left in, of speculating as to context, choosing whether to take the academic route, choosing whether to analyze or to respond personally. In my lack of confidence, I feel there are answers everyone knows but me. The personal risk of stating an opinion in faith is still a lot for me to handle, God knows why.
So, I'll look at the text some more, and try to come to grips with it.
Meanwhile, it's the Cardinals against the Eagles in the NFL. How utterly picturesque.