Why is it so damned hard for certain people to know what it is they want from me, and to make that clear? Why is it so hard for them to understand what I need?
Of course, I'm not referring to all people -- just a few key types. I am so utterly fed up by feeling as though I am at the beck and call of a small number of people, who can almost always count on me to give them what they want (when they know what that is), but who can't be called upon to make themselves available, on terms better than random. As long as my ass is in a chair, or on the couch, or at the end of the phone line, that's apparently sufficient assurance that my needs are being met. After all, I'm where I belong, so what could be wrong? And if they can't define their needs, well, no matter -- they know I'm available for their purposes, whenever they should happen to figure out what those are.
They just want things to be OK, they don't want to think about why they are, or are not. And if they know what I want and just aren't willing or able to give it, then FINE. But SAY SO. Just say it, and deal with the results, and let's get on with our lives.
The thing is, people are generally content with the most abstract representations of connection and mutual undestanding. Very few know enough of their own minds to speak clearly about their thoughts and feelings. Very few have the time or the interest in really listening. Honesty is rare, and risky. People are content to tell the same stories over and over, to state the same manifestos again and again, and these demonstrations stand for who they are.
I'm sure I'm being unfair, maybe PMS besides. I'm sure that what I wish for is unreasonable. But right at the moment, I know what I want --
to have someone at my beck and call as well, who might even take a little pleasure in it (since in and of itself, there's nothing wrong with it, if it comes with some rewards.)
To be in love with the person I'm having sex with. (Off topic somewhat, I realize.)
Or, to at least enjoy some real intimacy with someone, somewhere, without the cost nullifying the benefits.
To get some clear, timely communication from the people in my life. Family, friends, coworkers. The people I depend on. I'm getting strung out a lot lately, in ways big and small.
I feel very alone.
And obviously, a little sorry for myself.
End of kvetch.