Monday, February 23, 2009


I'm in a very philosophical mood today. Or would be, if I could quit coughing. Maybe "philosophical" isn't the right word. I would have been in a mood to listen today, if more people had wanted someone to listen. The one time someone came into the office, though, I didn't have a particularly smart response to that person's problem. Just some body language that was meant to convey my discomfort with my chair, but probably communicated waning attention. Nuts.

I wish the listening mood came on me more often. Really, it's just a comfort level -- the ability to be relaxed and quiet. The desire not to speak. The desire not to be alone either, but rather, engaged somehow with someone. Just not in a coffee-fueled gossipy sort of way.

And really, I'd like some decent cough syrup, at the moment.

I don't feel as though there's time enough to really get into anything I want to be doing. Listening/reading/writing/sewing/working/playing with my kid/hanging out with my husband/friends/etc. It all has limits.
"Playing" isn't a fair category -- we had all the weekend, but it was cold and I was sick. I took him sledding a couple times, for short periods; he of course has limitless energy. Tons of focus.

Seashore days. That's what I want. Time enough for everything, or for nothing at all. To listen all day to the waves pushing gently into the beach. Seabirds, wind, surf. To stare out at the horizon line, oblivion, until my head is completely empty of thought or intention or critical voice and there is only the cyclical rhythm of natural things. And maybe the occasional, distant punctuation of shrimpboats clanging into port... ...

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